When I began this post, the title was ‘Get your mind right’. I also had another post started which I’d titled ‘Validation’. Through reading, writing and thinking about them, the two began to be so connected, that I made them one long blog. So, get in your jammies, pull up some ice water or a protein shake (Hell, grab a beer or a shot), and have yourself a read. This is gonna be a long one.
I’ve talked about the Big H (hormones), so now I can cover some of the mental side of things. It is after all, just as important as the physical side of it all. I won’t say that its more important at this time because things are pretty evenly split for me, but at times, many times for me personally, the mental will carry you farther than the physical.
I’m an emotional eater. Always have been. Sad, happy, mad, whatever. Time to eat! Partly because I love to cook and bake, and I’ve been told that I’m pretty good at it. And who doesn’t love to see people enjoy the fruits of your labor, regardless of what they are? I’m a little bit of an artist as well and get the same high when someone is happy with a drawing I’ve done or something I put together for them. Cooking though; food, its universal, its synonymous with family time, gathering, love.
Love.
One of the big aspects of my training program, is switching gears about food meaning ‘love’, being, ‘love’. I’m completely guilty of this and have talked to people about it since starting. It’s always been easy for me when I wanted to express love, gratitude or give a gift, to bake. Cook. Give a gift that I knew people would love.
What I’m realizing more and more, is that while people enjoy the gift, in a lot of ways, they appreciate the time more. The time you put into cooking that. Thinking of them. Baking that. Whatever ‘That’ is for you. You did it. You cared enough to take the time to do ‘That’ thing. And that thing doesn’t have to be food.
Because food isn’t love.
The time and effort you put into something, is.
I got something from showing love in this way, if even in only a mild form of validation.
Validation.
This goes deep, for everyone I feel. If you have it, you’ve been met on levels in life that are loving and good with a part of you that is whole because of that.
If you don’t have it, or have had very little of it, you seek it. You can say no, but if you look, and are honest, we all do. We may have on our tough exteriors and play it off like ‘I don’t need anyone’s approval’ or ‘I don’t care what other people think’, but on certain levels, we do. Some of us just know how to not show it.
You learn to do the internal happy dance of ‘Someone sees me’.
Now I’m not talking about the people we all know who LIVE for other people’s approval and hump legs like puppy dogs, making sure that every aspect of their life is as others think it should be. I’m talking soul affirming, as small as a head nod yes, that we’re doing a good job, and that our efforts have been taken note of. It feels good. It does something for you and feeds something deep inside.
Here’s a little story for you. Feel free to laugh, or make a sad face (Take another shot or sip of beer). I’m open to however it moves you, or, if it moves you at all. As a side note, this story is also food related, and as I wrote, I realized that it was just another thing that tied love, affection and validation to food for me.
My parents were never overly affectionate. Until I had my son, I was very much the same. Hard and enjoying my personal space sans hugs etc. I was also kind of an awkward kid. Tall (5’08” by 6th grade), big feet, crooked teeth (thank you braces at 25), intensely shy, red hair and lots of freckles. Red hair wasn’t popular back then in the way it is now and neither was being shy, so not a lot of kids gravitated towards me. Even though I was involved in sports and other things, they just didn’t.
I didn’t recognize it until I was older, but during elementary school, I craved affection, acceptance and validation. From time to time, my mom would buy the industrial sized bags of chips for my dad’s work lunches. Usually five or six at a time. When she did, I would sneak one to school, because during first recess, we were allowed to take our snacks outside with us. On the days I brought my big bag of chips, I would share.
With the whole class, haha.
For a one hour space of time; I was it.
Everyone liked me.
Princess of the playground.
Queen of the quad.
Once the bag was empty, I was the awkward red-head again, towering over these poor small children with their tiny feet.
As with many people, once I had a child, everything shifted. I made many changes, interpersonal relationships, the way I operated in my life, and the way I loved. I wanted my son to grow into a loving person and not be afraid of closeness, intimacy or any of that stuff. I didn’t want him looking to a bag of chips for love. Or any other food, object or substance for that matter.
Funny, but true, is it not? Luckily for me, he has turned into a very loving and caring young man.
My point in all of that is, that my connection with food equaling love started early. It also equaled validation for me in some ways. Right or wrong, that was what it was.
Now, I’m going to say something that you can believe, or not, but hear it, and consider it.
Since day one of the program I’m involved in now, I have only had one food craving (I’ll do a separate post on that, and that Kinders bacon macaroni and cheese, may never come into our house again). It came and went quickly and I was surprised but proud of myself at how I handled it and got through it so quickly.
It was pretty easy. It happened in my second week and was related to my daughter’s food. It wasn’t anything bad because everything in our house is organic and mostly unprocessed, but it was just something that’s not on my menu right now.
It actually gave me a physical reaction. My mouth began to water, my mind said ‘EAT THAT’. It smelled delicious. It looked delicious. I knew, that it was delicious. I’d had it before.
I didn’t even let it get close to my face.
I served it to my daughter and grabbed my plate as quickly as I could, and we ate together. And I was fine. More than fine. I was great. I was proud of myself, and I reveled in the moment.
Why didn’t I just take a bite? That’s what I’ve been asked by the two people I’ve told this story to. For several reasons.
The first was that I was too tired. I had just gotten home from a workout, and I was too damned tired. All I could think of was ‘I didn’t just throw it all out on the floor during that workout to puss out on one spoonful of food’. That one reason would have been good enough. However, you throw in having to put that spoonful of food on my log, feeling like I disappointed someone who’s putting SO much time and energy into me, and the disappointment I’d have had in my own weakness, and that completes it.
You can have an opinion on it, but it worked. A long thought written out, but all of that happened in about a 15 second period of time.
There. Gone. Over. Boom.
I won.
Let’s call that self validation for the purpose of this post. And back to that…..
Validation….
When you fight food demons, mental habits regarding food, function memory, all of that; there isn’t a lot of cheering at the times you say ‘No’.
No one pats you on the back and says ‘Hey, great job for only eating a portion of that when there are at least three portions on your Cheesecake Factory plate. Or, ‘Great job of eating your meal and saying ‘No thank you’ to the six layer cake because you recognize that you’re actually full’.
How often do you hear that?
I’m venturing not often.
Unless you’re in my house and then those kinds of praises fly often.
So, in general, there’s no validation in it. There’s no one recognizing that you are not only winning your struggle with your mind and body, but that you’re working hard to succeed. Say what you will, but this is important. When it all comes down to it, its you.
All on you.
But; long-term success, staying power, needs more. At least in the short-term, in the beginning. When you’re building new foundations.
It needs to not only be important to you, something inside us needs it to be important to someone else. Even if only so important that it’s a small recognition of effort. This, is something I didn’t realize I wanted and needed. It wasn’t the only thing, and it’s not something I need every day, but it certainly pulls everything together in making me feel validated in my decisions leading up to putting me where I’m at now.
I get that from my current trainer. This Validation thing. It’s not fawning over you, huge pats on the back; codling. It’s simple. Straight forward. And that goes for the good and the bad. When something is out-of-order or wrong, she lets you know. Clearly. It’s raw, it’s genuine, it’s loving.
Say what?
Loving?
This is working out bitch.
This is grunting, sweating, chest thumping, ego flexing type of shit.
Yes, it is, but, that’s what makes this all different. This trainer.
She’s all heart.
It’s something I say often when people ask me about her. When you see a picture of her, it can be intimidating. I never felt intimidated, but, until you get to know someone, you really never know what to expect.
Don’t get the picture in your head that she’s running around hugging everyone and dabbing our foreheads when we’re sweating too heavy. It’s quite the opposite. She’s the one who gives you an insanely difficult move, and, when you fall on your face because your balance isn’t there yet, looks right at you and says:
“You’ll get that eventually, but I’ll take it. Now do it again.”
It sounds simple, but really, it’s a part of the bigger picture. In other programs, or working out on your own; there’s a lot of no one giving a shit if you show up or not. After all, it is all on you. You’re there, for you. If you show up or don’t; it’s no skin off anyone’s ass.
Here’s the thing.
In my studio. In this new program.
SHE, is there for YOU. As much, sometimes more, then you are for yourself.
Call it what you want. It’s validating. Even if you don’t express it in any way, show it on your face, say it out loud; it’s altering, to be acknowledged and validated for your efforts.
It’s no ploy. It not a facade. It’s genuine. Heartfelt. She cares if you show up, and if you don’t, you will hear about it. It may not be the kind of acknowledgment you want, but you’ll get it. When you do show up, you’ll hear that too.
She also won’t let you say a bad word about yourself, or anyone else. Lose ten pounds, lose a quarter of a pound, it’s progress. It’s good. It’s positive. You, keep your head up. You, keep moving forward. You, keep working. Hard. That’s all she allows for. Period.
And she sees, everything. Hears just about everything. Sees a million things going on, and knows every moment that’s going on, what everyone’s doing, saying, lifting, breathing, all of it.
She acknowledges it.
Validates you.
So get yourself some of that Validation stuff. Wherever you need to get it. Through something that changes and improves your life, or makes you happy.
If it’s working out, get a trainer. An amazing trainer like mine.
Or get mine.
I’m willing to share.